today is one of those days that i make a cake just to eat the majority of the batter and watch sex in the city 

hannah montana says nobody’s perfect, but here i am

Ed Ed and Eddy is a kids cartoon version of Workaholics..
Eddy is Adam, Double D is Ders, Ed is Blake , Kevin is Montez, and jawbreakers are weed

you look beautiful today! is that a new instagram filter you are wearing?

sometimes i feel okay and then i’m like wow that was a really nice 45 seconds

I love being home alone, it’s like pants were never invented

If two vegetarians get in a fight, do they have “beef” or is it tofu or something

why go to school when I can light myself on fire and feel the same way

Me: Why was six afraid of seven?
Dwight Schrute: False, it wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
Me: Love is in the air!
Dwight Schrute: False. Nitrogen, Oxygen, Argon, and Carbon Dioxide are in the air.
Me: All men are created equal.
Dwight Schrute: False. Explain midgets.
Me: Home is where the heart is!
Dwight Schrute: False. The chest cavity is where the heart is.

Hurricane Sandy: Soon I will be just like Snooki, blowin' the whole East Coast.
Again: 50 shades of me fucking up the East Coast!
And again: I just blew off the roof of Olive Garden, free breadsticks bitches!

If Mitt Romney wins the election, I will volunteer as tribute for the hunger games.

Expectation: Going outside in a vintage sweater with a significant other, enjoying each other's company in a fall colored forest enjoying nice pumpkin spice lattes
Reality: Sitting on the couch by yourself eating candy corn in your pajamas watching Halloweentown with your mom

Normal people: I love it when my boyfriend/girlfriend tells me how much they love me.
Me: I love it when my microwave tells me my food is ready.